Longing to Hold You
by Lady Callista
Summary: Set in the manga world after the Enishi arc, Kenshin begins to distance himself from Kaoru after rescuing her, knowing he'll never survive her dying again. It's up to Kaoru to convince him that love is more important than fear.
1. The Two of Us

**Longing to Hold You**

_By Lady Callista_

AN: No, I didn't die, I just haven't had time to write. I tried to write an Inuyasha fic, and that didn't work, so that got deleted and I'm gonna try to write another fic in my favorite genre before trying to branch out again.

I don't speak Japanese (although I'm slowly learning), yet I've done my best to research the words I've used, and to use them properly, or as they are used in the anime-manga. If I've used anything incorrectly please let me know, but please tell me why it's wrong and suggest a better option if you have one. Just saying it's wrong or I'm stupid doesn't help any. There is a glossary at the end of each chapter for anything that needs explaining, which won't be much. I trust that if you're reading this I don't have to explain things like -dono.

I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think of this story. Feedback always makes me write faster. And yes, I know it's short, but I wanted to see what people thought of the new idea. The next parts will be more my normal length, meaning at least a thousand or so more words.

This fic is rated M, cause I know it's gonna have K&K lime and lemon goodness. If you are underage please go enjoy some of the other wonderful stories on this site.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters. Having quotes at the beginning and end of each part is kinda becoming a trademark for me, so I'm going to do it again, this time using quotes from musicals. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a huge musicals freak. I also don't own anything relating to any of the musicals I've quoted.

This story begins after the second to last chapter of the last manga book. (Sano, Megumi, and everyone else are gone. Only Yahiko is still around, and he's no longer living at the dojo.)

Chapter 1: The Two of Us

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"On my own, pretending he's beside me._

_All alone, I walk with him till morning._

_Without him, I feel his arms around me,_

_And when I lose my way I close my eyes_

_And he has found me."_

_Eponine in "On My Own" from "Les Miserables"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

"Good night, Kaoru-dono." Kenshin said quietly as they paused at the door to her room. It was only the second night of just the two of them living in the house, yet none of the changes Kaoru had hoped would happen showed any sign of coming about. She'd hoped that with just the two of them there he'd open up to her a little more, hoped she'd get to see more of the part of him she knew only she was ever allowed to see. Yet the past two days had been no different than the days when all their friends were there.

"Good night, Kenshin." She smiled at him, and although he smiled back at her it was only a shadow of the brilliant smile she wished she got to see more often. Then he turned and started to head down to his room.

Trying to find her courage, she caught his sleeve as he slipped away.

Kenshin turned to face her again, and although he still smiled his face and especially his eyes held the blankness she knew he hid behind when he didn't want anyone to know what he was thinking. "Did you need something before we retire?" He asked solicitously.

'_You to talk to me. You to hold me. You to love me.' _Even as she thought these things, Kaoru knew she couldn't say them. Not to him. She always had words for everyone; had never been accused of being shy when it came to expressing her opinions or feelings. Yet for a reason she didn't understand she'd never been able to say those important things to him. The few times she'd come close she'd stammered and blushed and finally just closed her mouth or said something trivial. Even as her mouth opened to voice her thoughts, she knew they wouldn't come out. "No, I'm sorry. I just wanted to wish you sweet dreams."

Kenshin's face remained blank, yet she thought she saw pain flash through his eyes for an instant so quick she didn't know if she'd imagined it or not. Then his mouth smiled a bit wider. "This one wishes them to you as well." He replied, and this time when he turned and walked away she didn't stop him, simply retreated into her room and slid the shoji closed behind her.

Kaoru stood in the doorway for a moment, then with a sigh moved to the closet and got out her bedding. Setting out the futon and covers by rote, she let her mind wander, all the things she wanted to say to Kenshin flirting through her mind. Knowing she'd never get to sleep, she slid open her outer shoji and stepped out into the cool night air.

She was almost certain she'd seen the pain flash through his eyes, and it wasn't the first time she'd seen it since Kenshin and the others had rescued her from Enishi. Although she knew very little about what had happened while she was captive, she knew that everyone had thought she was dead. She could understand that must have been upsetting, but now that everyone knew she was alive the pain should have gone away. She was alive. She was back with Kenshin. She didn't understand the pain she kept seeing.

It was that more than anything that she wanted to talk to him about. Although she'd have loved to tell him that she loved him, to ask him how he felt about her, she mostly wanted him to talk about what had happened while she'd been gone. She wanted to chase that shadow from his eyes, but she didn't know how to because she didn't know its cause.

A few days after she'd been rescued, she'd asked Megumi why Kenshin was so hurt. She knew he'd taken wounds while rescuing her, yet they didn't seem to account for the amount of time it took him to heal. But Megumi would say nothing to her. Neither would Sano when she'd asked him the next day. Even Yahiko had been silent. All any of them would say was that they had all missed her, and that they were glad she was alive and back with them. She'd finally given up, sensing from their silence that they all thought Kenshin should be the one to tell her. But he would say nothing of what had happened while she was gone.

Sighing into the night, she sat on the porch and stared at the stars, imagining him sitting beside her. Kaoru let her eyes slid closed as she let her imagination take over. She felt the warmth of his arm around her, and let herself imagine leaning into him to ward off the chill of the night. His breath was warm in her ear as he whispered that he loved her. She could see the smile on his face, the one that actually reached all the way to his eyes, when she told him that she loved him as well. Yet her imagination halted as he leaned in to kiss her. She didn't even know what a kiss felt like.

With a shake of her head she opened her eyes and stood, then turned back into her room. Changing quickly, she slipped beneath the covers and prayed for sleep. At least while she slept she didn't think of him. Well, okay, actually she did, she admitted to herself. She'd had dreams so vivid that only the way he treated her when she next saw him convinced her that the dreams hadn't happened. Mentally relaxing her muscles and breathing into a kata meant for relaxation, Kaoru slowly drifted off into a restless sleep.

OoOoOoOoOoO

Kenshin hadn't even managed a restless sleep. He lay on his futon staring up at the ceiling, his thoughts still revolving around Kaoru's last words. Sweet dreams. He'd only had one sweet dream in more weeks than he could count, and it had been when he passed out after they found Kaoru. He'd dreamed of holding her in his arms, dreamed of kissing her.

But even that dream had only stayed sweet for so long. For mid-kiss Kaoru had been replaced by Tomoe, and the memory of her dying in his arms. Then she'd been Kaoru again, but still dead in his arms. The demons that had been chasing through his head the entire time he'd thought her dead had come roaring back, and he'd woken screaming her name. Only Megumi had been there, and her first words had been that Kaoru was alive. That he had saved her. Although he remembered it, although he'd believed her, he still hadn't been able to fall back to sleep until Kaoru had come in.

He'd managed to hold on to consciousness long enough to whisper her name, long enough to feel her take his hand, but then his exhausted body had forced him back to sleep. To sleep, and dream of Tomoe's death again and again. To dream of Kaoru's death.

Even after he'd gotten better, even after he'd taken Kaoru to Kyoto to pray over Tomoe's grave with him, he hadn't been able to tell her. He'd told her he'd said goodbye to Tomoe, but the next words he'd wanted to say, the words that would have changed their entire relationship, hadn't come.

He wasn't even sure when he'd started loving Kaoru. He couldn't pinpoint a moment, or an event, or anything like that. It had been well before she was kidnapped, and some of the demons that haunted him had been that he knew she loved him, and she had died without knowing he felt the same. But once he knew she was alive he found he couldn't tell her.

He wasn't sure he'd survive her death again. In fact he was fairly certain he wouldn't. But he knew that if their relationship changed, knew that if they were together as a man and woman in love…well, if that happened, he knew he'd never survive her death.

The memories tormented him, and for the first time in his life Kenshin took the coward's way out. He let the person that mattered to him more than anything in the world think he thought of her as just a friend. He fell asleep dreaming of kissing her and knowing he never could.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"I thought that dreams belonged to other men_

_'Cuz each time I got close_

_They'd fall apart again_

_I feared my heart would beat in secrecy_

_I faced the nights alone_

_Oh, how could I have known_

_That all my life I only needed you"_

_"Almost Paradise" love theme from "Footloose"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

TBC…..


	2. From the Heart

**Longing to Hold You**

_By Lady Callista_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters. Having quotes at the beginning and end of each part is kinda becoming a trademark for me, so I'm going to do it again, this time using quotes from musicals. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a huge musicals freak. I also don't own anything relating to any of the musicals I've quoted.

AN: See all info at the start of chapter 1. Thanks to all those who reviewed, I'm glad you're enjoying my latest story. Here's the next part…

* * *

Chapter 2: From the Heart

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"If all we lost somehow came back_

_If all that died again would grow_

_If only it was so, these are the loneliest words I know_

_If all our dreams were golden and never black or grey_

_If all our dreams came true, then we'd never have to say_

_If only it was so, these are the loneliest words I know"_

_Swallow in "If Only" from "Whistle Down The Wind"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

Five days. That was all Kaoru could think of as she walked home from the dojo she was guest-teaching at. Her and Kenshin had been alone in her home for five days, with the exception of the few hours Yahiko was there every morning to train. Five days of having breakfast together, dinner together, sitting on the porch in the evening and talking together.

Five days where Kenshin made small talk about her plans for the day, or about how her day had gone, or if she had enjoyed the meal, or if she wanted a bath…

What Kaoru wanted to do was scream at him. He wasn't even treating her like a friend anymore, he was back to the distance and formality he'd had when he'd first come to live with her. Although while she was screaming at him, Kaoru realized, she'd have to scream at herself as well. For she had done nothing to even try and erase the distance he was putting between them.

Part of it was that she wasn't sure how to erase it. She knew he wasn't mad at her or anything like that, but she had no idea what the problem was. He'd seemed so happy to see her when he and the others rescued her from Enishi, and he'd seemed almost desperate to see her in the days after while he was recovering, but after that he had retreated behind the rurouni mask. It was a mask he often hadn't bothered to wear around her before the Enishi incident, and now she couldn't remember the last time she'd seen him without it.

It was becoming more than she could bear. Everyone else she loved had left, and Kenshin was supposed to be the one person she could hang on to. He had said that all their friends leaving would be lonely, but they would have to bear it. At the time, she'd thought it would be okay with everyone else gone, because then she and Kenshin would have time to be alone. But it was almost like he had left her too and she was truly alone again. Like she'd been after her father died.

She closed her eyes for a moment as she closed the gate to her property after passing through it. Taking a few deep breaths, she locked all those thoughts away and put on her happy face as she crossed the yard to the dojo, where she could feel Kenshin was. Although the distance between them was almost too much for her, it would be far worse if he left altogether. Without knowing what was troubling him, she couldn't know what would push him away, so she'd been living the past few days behind a mask of her own, the one that said she was happy and her life was good.

She approached the dojo slowly, not wanting to interrupt him if he was practicing, but curious as to what he was doing. She'd almost never seen him practice, but had been entranced the few times she had. So she moved quietly, knowing he'd probably sense her anyway, but too curious to not take a peak.

And what a peak she got. As Kaoru stopped in the doorway for a moment to let her eyes adjust to the dimmer light, her heart stopped for a second as well. For Kenshin was currently flying through the air in the middle of an attack, sakabato flashing down at an invisible enemy. He landed in a crouch with his back to her, blade an inch from the ground. Then, almost faster than she could see, he spun to the side, blade flashing up again to intercept an imagined attack at his flank. Frozen in place, Kaoru watched him for almost a minute as he moved through one of the most intricate kata she had ever seen.

Wearing only his hakama.

Kenshin froze halfway through a move as the corner of his vision registered a flash of blue and white in the door. He twisted to see the doorway, sakabato coming up to a guard stance. Then he let his hand immediately drop to his side as he realized who it was.

For her part, Kaoru immediately turned bright red and turned her back to him, apologizing even as she started to move away.

"Kaoru-dono…" He called out even as he quickly retrieved his maroon gi from the corner of the room and started to wrap it around himself.

She stopped in her tracks, but didn't turn back to face him. "I shouldn't have interrupted you, Kenshin. Forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive." Kenshin said as he came up behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder to turn her around. And immediately dropping the hand when he felt her stiffen. "This one lost track of the time. Had this one realized how late it was, you would not have found me here like this."

Kaoru turned slowly to face him, keeping her eyes on the floor until she noticed by the maroon sleeve hanging beside his hand that he was dressed again. Then she slowly looked up at him. Her face was still red, and Kenshin read more than just embarrassment in her eyes.

"It's okay, Kenshin." Kaoru smiled at him. "You certainly have a right to be here. I was just wondering what you were doing, and once I saw you…" The smile flicked out and Kaoru lowered her eyes again before clearing her throat. "That was such a complex kata, I've never seen anything like it."

"It is one learned long ago." Kenshin replied. "This one was using it because it was designed to work every muscle, to test for lingering weakness after injury."

"Are you fully recovered, then?" Kaoru asked, still looking at his feet.

"Almost." Kenshin said in a soft voice, wondering why she wouldn't look at him. "The shoulder is still a bit stiff, but a few more days of rest along with stretching out the muscles and it should be fine again."

"That's good." Kaoru said, still unable to raise her face. She knew her cheeks still flamed from being caught watching him, but they had been red long before he saw her and she was certain they still were. The fact that her hand itched to reach out and caress him didn't help. She let her eyes slid shut for a moment to try and regain her control, and so was completely startled when she felt his hand on her chin, gently urging her to raise her face.

Kaoru turned huge eyes up to meet his own, and Kenshin could swear he saw disappointment in them when he dropped his hand. "What is wrong, Kaoru-dono?"

Kaoru let her reckless side take over. Not five minutes ago, she'd been thinking that having him with her but distant was better than him leaving, but now she wasn't so sure. "Do you realize you've touched me more in the past five minutes than you have in the past five days?"

"Surely that cannot…" Kenshin began to argue, but let his voice die at a look that came into her eyes. Besides, he knew it was true. He'd been trying so hard not to touch her, because he knew he wouldn't want to stop.

"I've been thinking a lot over the past few days, and I have two questions. I know you hate people prying into your life, into your feelings, but it hurts being left out, Kenshin. I used to think I was closer to you than any of the others were, but the way you've been acting the past few days I'm not so sure." Kaoru met his eyes fully now, and rather than the sadness he'd expected to see in them he saw anger and pain. "I need you to talk to me."

"We talk every day…" Kenshin began, only to cut himself off again as this time she gave him not just a look but a frustrated sound as well. "What are your two questions? This one cannot promise they will be answered, but…"

"The first question is why you've been so distant the past few days. The second, which I suspect is somehow related, is what happened while Enishi had me?" Kaoru sank to the steps of the dojo as she spoke, unable to look him in the eyes. She was relieved when he sat beside her. "No one else will tell me, other than you all thought I was dead. That's all anyone will say. And I can understand that must have been horrible, but…"

"Enishi left a doll that looked exactly like you." Kenshin cut her off in an empty, distant voice. "Left it in the dojo, with a sword though your heart and a scar cut into your cheek." Kenshin's hand came up idly to trace his own scar, and his hand shook when Kaoru placed her hand over his. "You would never have been taken if not for your friendship with this one."

"So that's why you've been pulling away?" Kaoru asked, letting her hand fall away from his. "Because you think it's your fault that I was kidnapped?"

"It was this one's fault." Kenshin said quietly. Although he had several other reasons for pulling away from her, this one was certainly true as well, and the easiest to explain. Kaoru knew him well when she said he didn't like people prying into his feelings, and the other reasons he had for pulling away were still too raw to expose. "If this one had never returned here after going to Kyoto, you would not have been taken by Enishi."

"But I wanted you to return." Kaoru said, and this time it was her that reached out to turn his face towards her. "I know having you live here might put me in danger, Kenshin. But I'm happier when you're here. I'm happier when you're in my life."

"The happiest time of my life has been being here with you and the others." Kenshin smiled, and it almost reached his eyes. Kaoru noticed the shift in his pronouns, but wasn't sure what to make of it. "But I do not want to put you in danger. I could not bear it if something were to happen to you…"

"Kenshin…" Kaoru began to speak again as he trailed off, but couldn't make herself say what she wanted to say.

"What is it?" Kenshin asked softly.

Kaoru only shook her head. "Later. I want to think on something a little first." She lied. She didn't actually need to think about anything, she just needed to rebuild the courage she'd used up before she asked one more question.

Kenshin only nodded. "Then this one will leave you to think and go prepare dinner."

Kaoru smiled her thanks as he left. Although she believed him that he was pulling away because he thought he was too dangerous to be around, it seemed to be more than that. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she would have sworn there were other things bothering him as well. But at least he was talking to her again. And the last question she wanted to ask would settle things, one way or another. She stood with a sigh, and headed for the bathhouse to rinse off before she put her kimono on for dinner.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

"Kenshin?" Kaoru bypassed her room and followed him to the doorway of his, where he was about to go to sleep for the night.

Kenshin turned with a smile. "Have you thought enough to say what you were going to say?"

Kaoru blushed slightly, but met his eyes. "Do you remember, earlier, when I said I thought I was closer to you than the others were?"

Kenshin nodded but said nothing.

"Do you think of me that way too?" It took every ounce of courage Kaoru had to ask, but she'd finally decided it was better to know now than to keep hoping for something that might never be. "Do you think of me as more than a friend? Do you think of me the way I think of you?"

Kenshin took a step closer to her, so close their bodies almost pressed together. Without warning his hand came up to cup her cheek, and his lips brushed ever so lightly over hers. It could barely be called a kiss, and was over almost before it began, yet it left Kaoru so stunned she couldn't move. She stared at him as he backed away and entered his room.

She was still staring when he turned back to her and said quietly, "I try not to."

She was still staring when he quietly slid the shoji shut between them.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"He will not always say_

_What you would have him say,_

_But now and then he'll do_

_Something wonderful."_

_Lady Thiang in "Something Wonderful" from "The King and I"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

TBC…


	3. Waiting

**Longing to Hold You**

_By Lady Callista_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters. Having quotes at the beginning and end of each part is kinda becoming a trademark for me, so I'm going to do it again, this time using quotes from musicals. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a huge musicals freak. I also don't own anything relating to any of the musicals I've quoted.

AN: See all info at the start of chapter 1.

**Previously: **

_It took every ounce of courage Kaoru had to ask, but she'd finally decided it was better to know now than to keep hoping for something that might never be. "Do you think of me as more than a friend? Do you think of me the way I think of you?"_

_Kenshin took a step closer to her, so close their bodies almost pressed together. Without warning his hand came up to cup her cheek, and his lips brushed ever so lightly over hers. It could barely be called a kiss, and was over almost before it began, yet it left Kaoru so stunned she couldn't move. She stared at him as he backed away and entered his room._

_She was still staring when he turned back to her and said quietly, "I try not to."_

_She was still staring when he quietly slid the shoji shut between them._

Chapter 3: Waiting

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"You are the beautiful reflection_

_Of his love's affection,_

_A walking illustration_

_Of his adoration_

_His love makes you beautiful."_

_"His Love Makes You Beautiful" from "Funny Girl"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

The sound of the door closing seemed to snap Kaoru out of her trance, and her fingers flew up to touch her tingling lips. Emotions racing, she managed to walk back to her room and close the shoji behind her before her knees gave out and she collapsed to the floor in a giggling, grinning, undignified heap.

Her fingers traced her lips and cheek, her entire body still basking in the phantom warmth of Kenshin's touch.

"I try not to." She repeated his words between giggles. "That means he does! He does think of me that way." Still giggling, Kaoru rose to her feet, only to start spinning around the room, one hand still over her mouth.

Not only did he think of her as more than a friend, but he'd kissed her. He'd actually kissed her; she knew what a kiss felt like now.

Suddenly a thought crossed her mind, and she ran to the closet and pulled out a box hidden in the back of it.

Getting out brush and ink, she pulled her diary from the box and began writing. Otherwise morning would come and she'd think tonight had been just another dream.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Kenshin managed a few steps into his room before dropping to his knees, already mentally berating himself.

He'd not only all but admitted to her that he liked her, something he'd sworn he'd never do, but he'd kissed her without asking permission and then just ran off. She'd be furious with him!

His train of thought abruptly derailed at the blast of giddiness that suddenly exploded from the direction of Kaoru's room. He couldn't help but grin at the joy rolling off her spirit.

He wasn't sure if he'd ever felt her this happy before.

He'd had only a second to think of how to react to her question. There was no way he could have lied to her, but he hadn't been able to find the words to answer the question truthfully.

And he'd wanted to kiss her for so long…

He'd known the kiss was a mistake even as he leaned in to give it, but she'd looked so irresistible…

Yet it had still been a mistake, and as he prepared his futon for sleep he tried to think of the words he would need for tomorrow.

The words to tell her that he shouldn't have kissed her, because although he thought of her as more than a friend, her friend was all that he could ever be.

He wished it could be different, because he knew how much it would hurt to feel her happiness drain away, but he could comfort himself with the amount of pain he was saving her from in the long run.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoo

Kaoru woke to the chirping of birds outside her slightly open door. It was barely sunrise, yet a second after she was awake she was wide awake, hand flying to the journal she'd put under her pillow. She whipped it out and read the last line.

"And yes, he finally kissed me!"

With a giggle she pulled the book to her chest and curled up around it contentedly for a moment. Yet she found herself unable to just lay there as she normally liked to do upon awakening.

She felt too awake and energized to just lay there - in fact, she felt kind of like she had the one time Sano had dared her to try a cup of that Western beverage, what had called it? Coffee?

Well, it didn't matter what he'd called it, Kaoru thought with a grin as she rolled out of bed and began spinning around the room, because after she'd bounced around the room for an hour she'd sworn to never drink the stuff again.

It was strange, she thought as she spun to a stop in front of the mirror; she'd disliked the giddy feeling the drink had given her, but now she felt even giddier and she loved it.

Pulling her hair from it's customary ponytail, she started playing with different style as she tried to decide which kimono to wear.. Which one looked the best on her? Which one had Kenshin seemed to like the most?

Then, halfway through working on a half-remembered up-do, and almost driving herself crazy on if she should pick up the green or the blue kimono, she gave a great sigh and started pulling the pins from her hair. Pulling it back into it's customary ponytail, she pulled out her gi and hakama.

She had to meet Yahiko by the river soon for training. Everything else would have to wait.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Although Kenshin had awakened soon after Kaoru did, he stayed in bed until he heard her leave the house. Although he'd spent most of the night thinking and worrying rather than sleeping, he hadn't come up with the right words yet. He wasn't sure there were any.

And about halfway through the night he'd realized one of the reasons he was having trouble finding the words was that he didn't want to say them. He didn't want to push her away. He just knew that he had to.

Once he heard her leave the house he rose and grabbed the laundry, as he did every morning. He finished just as he felt Yahiko and Kaoru returning, and he slipped into the house to start breakfast, hoping to delay their meeting as long as possible. Especially since he didn't want an audience.

He knew Kaoru would go straight to the bathhouse to clean up, and Yahiko always headed right for town; the reason they practiced so early was that he ha to be in town for his job.

"Kenshin." Yahiko's voice broke through his thoughts as the boy stepped into the kitchen.

"Yahiko, good morning." Kenshin turned, wondering why the boy was here. He always ran to town right after practice. "Is everything alright?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing." Yahiko said as he snatched a bite from one of the plates Kenshin had already set on a tray. "Kaoru seemed, really, well, different today. She was all spacey, and her energy was bouncing all over the place."

Kenshin sighed. "Everything is fine. This one knows the reason, and will be speaking with her shortly."

Yahiko looked about to inquire further, but something in Kenshin's eyes made him drop the topic, although suspecting what was going on made his next question harder to ask. "Have…have you been to town lately?"

"Not for several days." Kenshin stopped cooking and took in the boy's serious face. "What is going on?"

"Some people are talking….about Kaoru and you." Yahiko admitted. "They say it was bad enough when the three of us guys were living here, but with just you…"

"This one was afraid this would happen." Kenshin said, realizing suddenly how to solve two problems at once. "This one needs to move to town." It would stop people from talking about Kaoru, and it would give him a logical reason to distance himself from her.

"Or just marry her." Yahiko said, moving in exactly the opposite direction as Kenshin had.

Kenshin shook his head with a sigh, then barely managed to rescue the fish he'd forgotten about from burning. "It's not that simple."

"Simple?" Yahiko snapped. "Nothing in our lives has been simple since we met you, Kenshin. But you make her happy." The youth looked uncomfortable talking about it.

Kenshin smiled sadly, "She would be happier, and better off, with someone else."

"Maybe you should ask her what she wants." Yahiko replied.

Kenshin shook his head, staying with his back to the boy in an effort to end the conversation. "This one will not have her reputation ruined because of me. This one will not have her life in constant danger because of me."

Yahiko interrupted with a laugh. "You better come up with a better excuse than that to tell her, or she'll bash your head into next week. Kaoru was right, you are an idiot sometimes."

And with that parting shot, Yahiko left the kitchen whistling.

Kenshin turned to gape at Yahiko as the boy left. _Excuse? _That implied he was making something up rather than tell the truth. And what he was going to tell her was the truth, albeit not the complete truth.

He did think she'd have a longer, happier life without him. Everyone around him was always in danger; people around him always died.

Besides, he continued thinking as he finished preparing the tray of food to bring to the table, she should be with someone closer to her own age. Someone who's body wasn't full of damage and scars. Someone who would always be able to protect her.

And although a part of him wanted to die at the thought of someone else holding her, kissing her, he locked that part of him away behind his iron will. He also locked away the whispers of his darker nature, the side that vowed to kill any many who touched Kaoru.

He locked it all away, then carried the tray out to the table.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Kaoru went directly to the bathhouse after training, washing quickly and then slipping into the tub. As always, Kenshin had started the fire while she trained, and the warmth of the water felt wonderful on her battered body.

She'd taken many hits from her pupil, some simply because Yahiko was getting that good, but most because she was distracted and unfocused.

She kept feeling Kenshin's hand on her cheek, his lips brushing over hers. She remembered a time months ago when he'd put an arm around her shoulder. And just a few weeks ago in Kyoto, when he'd held her hand as they left his first wife's grave.

Every touch ran through her mind in a never-ending loop, and she started giggling again as she lay in the water, hands coming up to cool the heat in her cheeks as her mind started flashing to other places she wanted him to touch.

Soreness washing away as the giddiness she'd felt the night before returned, Kaoru rose and dried off, then began getting dressed in the blue kimono she'd decided looked great with her eyes.

She worked her hair into a complicated up-do, one she hadn't worn in years, and studied the result in the mirror. She looked different somehow, but it wasn't the hair. She couldn't figure out what it was, but she looked different than the person she was used to seeing in the mirror.

With a shrug, she bounced out of the bathhouse and headed for the house.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Kenshin had just finished setting everything on the table when he heard the front door slide open, then close. He retreated to the kitchen for a second to return the tray and to make sure his rurouni mask was firmly in place. Then he steeled his heart against the pain he was about to cause, and stepped out of the kitchen.

Every word he'd been going to say flew from his mind, and his mask dropped in the same instant as his mouth did; he was powerless to stop either.

Kaoru knelt calmly at the table, her eyes on him as he entered. But although his eyes held hers for a moment, they soon flew over her glowing face. The upswept hair, the blue kimono which brought him back to her shining blue eyes…

Kaoru giggled as he stared at her, her cheeks growing warm under his unwavering gaze. Her eyes dropped to her lap and she brushed a hand over her hair self-consciously before boldly raising her eyes to meet his. "You're failing, aren't you?"

"Oro?" Kenshin's mind snapped back to the room, yet he didn't understand her comment.

"What you said last night." Her voice was less certain, but she held his eyes. "That you try not to think of me as more than a friend. You're failing right now, aren't you?"

Kenshin dropped his eyes from hers, and when he raised them he had made his face completely blank, yet he allowed himself a single nod. "You look lovely this morning."

Now it was Kaoru's turn to break eye contact, yet a smile blossomed on her face as she said softly, "Thank you."

Kenshin came over to the table and knelt across from her. "Let us eat before the food gets cold, then I was wondering if you would like to take a walk with me." He wanted to say that they needed to talk, but knew that would worry her.

"I'd love to." Kaoru raised her eyes again, her smile growing.

They ate in mostly silence, occasionally speaking of inconsequential things, but for the most part each was lost in their own thoughts.

Time passed quickly, all too quickly for Kenshin, and as she helped him clean up he prepared his heart for what he was about to do.

Without words they got their sandals on and walked outside.

And when Kaoru's hand hesitantly brushed against his, he took it and linked their fingers together, knowing it would be the last time he touched her.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"Deep in my heart I'm concealing_

_Things that I'm longing to say_

_Scared to confess what I'm feeling_

_Frightened you'll slip away_

_You must love me..."_

_Eva in "You Must Love Me" from the movie "Evita"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_**TBC…**_


	4. Confessions

**Longing to Hold You**

_By Lady Callista_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters. Having quotes at the beginning and end of each part is kinda becoming a trademark for me, so I'm going to do it again, this time using quotes from musicals. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a huge musicals freak. I also don't own anything relating to any of the musicals I've quoted.

AN: See all info at the start of chapter 1.

* * *

_This part's a little shorter than the previous ones, because I'm not quite sure where to go after this, and I wanted to get it posted before someone killed me because of how I left the last part._

* * *

Dedication: To all my readers. I'm constantly amazed, thanks to the new Reader Stats page, at just how many countries this story is being read in. Would you believe there are people in 45 different countries reading this? (Several of which I had to look up to see where they were.) So, to everyone everywhere, thanks for reading, and I hope you continue to enjoy it.

* * *

Chapter 4: Confessions

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"I loved you once in silence_

_And mis'ry was all I knew._

_Trying so to keep my love from showing,_

_All the while not knowing you loved me too."_

_Guenevere in "I Loved You Once in Silence" from "Camelot"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

"It's a pretty day." Kaoru offered quietly after they had walked in silence for a few minutes. Her voice softening even more, she added, "I'm happy you wanted to go for a walk with me."

Kenshin allowed this thumb to glide over the back of her hand for a moment before saying gently, "We need to speak about what happened last night, and this one didn't want to be interrupted."

Her face flushed red, yet she continued to meet his eyes. "I shouldn't have asked, it was too forward of me, but I'm glad that I…"

"This one shouldn't have kissed you." Kenshin interrupted her, watching as her eyes grew confused. She was trying to figure out his reason for saying it, he was pretty sure, and a moment later he was proven correct when she spoke quietly.

"I know it's customary to ask first," Kaoru couldn't meet his eyes, but her voice was strong, "but you knew I'd say yes."

"No." Kenshin said softly, sitting on a log in front of her so he could see her turned down face. It would have been easier to raise her face to meet his, but he wasn't sure he could say it if he was touching her. "This one means he shouldn't have kissed you because he was telling the truth when he said he tries not to think about you. We, we can't be together Kaoru-dono. Not like that. All we can be is friends."

He expected to see her face fill with pain, expected to feel the exuberance in her aura fade out, and was amazed when her face only took on an expression of curiosity.

"Then why did you kiss me?" She asked softly, her eyes on his face. She saw the flash that went through his eyes before they and his face went perfectly blank.

"This one didn't know what to say, and knew kissing you would stop the questions."

Kenshin waited for the pain to cross her face, and was astounded when only anger appeared. He was more astounded a moment later when he went flying backwards off the log, the recipient of a particularly forceful shove. He heard her scream that he was an idiot. Then he heard footsteps.

By the time he could look up, all he saw was a flash of blue vanishing between the trees.

"Kaoru-dono!" He cried out even as he rose to follow her.

Tears flying down her face, Kaoru stumbled through the woods, knowing that between her kimono and his speed he would catch her very soon. If he would even come after her after lying to her face…

She'd seen the flash of heat in his eyes before his face shut down, and knew the answer to her question in that instant. He'd kissed her because he wanted to. Because he wanted her. And if he'd wanted to kiss her, it meant she had a chance to talk him out of his insane 'we can only be friends' idea. She just had to think fast on how to do it.

She let herself collapse to the ground in a small grove not more than a hundred yards from where she'd left him. Although she continued to cry, her body inconsolable at the thought of being nothing but his friend, her mind was working furiously.

Kenshin stood at the edge of the clearing for nearly a minute, his heart breaking as he watched her cry her heart out. He wasn't sure if he could make things better, in fact his presence would probably make things worse, but at last he couldn't bear watching her cry alone and so he crossed to her, kneeling at her side.

"Kaoru-dono, please don't cry."

He was fully prepared for her to either start crying harder, or for her to push him away. What he wasn't prepared for was for her to throw herself into his arms.

His arms came around her automatically, hugging her to his chest, and he prepared to harden his heart to her tears.

And was caught unprepared yet again when she tilted her head up and kissed him.

He kissed her back as automatically as his arms had come around her, one hand sliding up to her neck to change the angle of the kiss. He reveled in her being in his arms, in her scent, in…

His mind abruptly caught up to his body and he pulled away from her, staring into her shimmering blue eyes as he tried to relearn how to breath.

Kaoru only stared up at him, face somewhere between angry and hurt. Her voice showed only the anger when she asked, "Why did you lie to me?"

"Lie…this one didn't…" Kenshin stammered.

"You didn't kiss me to silence me." Kaoru's voice started to show the pain. "I've seen the look in your eyes twice now when you kissed me. I saw it flash through your eyes before you closed down and lied to me. You kissed me because you wanted to. Just like I wanted to."

Kenshin tried to look away, but her hand came to his cheek and turned his eyes back to meet hers. Looking into her eyes from inches away, he knew he couldn't lie to her. "Yes, I wanted to." He admitted, allowing his hand to come up and ghost along her cheek. "But I still shouldn't have."

"Why?" She asked as her cheek leaned into his touch. "If we both want more, why do you say we can only be friends?"

"When we came back from Kyoto, after I'd tried to leave you all here, Megumi-dono told me what you'd been like in the days after I left." Embarrassed, Kaoru tried to look away, and this time Kenshin brought her eyes back to his. He didn't even notice that his speech had changed. "When I thought you dead, I reacted in much the same way. I left the others, refusing drink and food and care for my injuries, and did nothing. I sat, and I waited to die. Not only because I couldn't imagine life without you, but also because I couldn't live with the guilt of you dying because of me."

Kenshin held her eyes as he confessed, and watched the compassion and understanding flow into them, although he saw confusion as well.

"And if I die a month from now in some random accident, will it hurt you less because we were only friends? Will pretending to be only friends change your feelings for me?"

"No." Kenshin admitted, finally looking away. "But you have nearly died twice because others saw those feelings and used them against me. You've almost died other times just because you were near me. It won't change my feelings, but it will allow you to lead a safer and happier life."

"Happier?" Kaoru almost choked on the word. "How can I be happy without you?"

Kenshin tucked her back against his chest, his arms coming around her. "You will forget me in time. You're young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. You shouldn't be with someone like me. I'm too old for you, and one day soon I'll be too weak to protect you. You will find someone who would be a better match…"

His breath cut off as she smacked him in the chest. Hard. She got in a second hit before he grabbed her wrists and pinned them behind her. Unfortunately, that left her face less than in inch from his, her body arched enticing against his because of how he'd pinned her.

The look in her eyes wasn't pained, or accepting. It was furious.

"How dare you! How dare you decide what's best for me! How dare you think so little of me! You think my feelings will just go away? Kenshin, I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you. I don't want to feel it for anyone but you!" Kaoru's voice was quietly deadly, and he didn't dare interrupt her. "You, you my idiot rurouni, are my match. Don't you dare tell me you're too old, don't you dare tell me you won't be with me because you don't think you can protect me. We'll protect each other. We'll be there for each other, and together we can do anything. My feelings for you aren't going to go away. I'm not going to forget you and find someone else. And I'll hunt you to the ends of the earth if you try to leave again. I love you, you idiot!"

Kenshin stared into her face from inches away. His heart had stopped at her last words. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind, every reason he had for leaving her gained a momentary prominence in his jumbled thoughts. And all of them floated away as he gazed into her expressive eyes, which were just registering the last thing she had said.

"I never thought to hear those words again, although I could have done without the last two." Kenshin said gently, speaking what he was thinking.

"I love you." She said more gently, her body still arched into his.

He realized belatedly that he still had her wrists cuffed behind her, and released her instantly. Her only reaction was to place her arms around his neck.

"I love you." She repeated again. "I know the dangers of being with you, but I'd rather risk them than face a life without you. Don't you see, I'm nothing without you." Her voice broke, and tears started to roll down her face again.

Kenshin did the only thing he could do.

"I love you, too." He whispered as he slid his arms around her back and kissed her with all the love in his heart.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"Kiss me too fiercely_

_Hold me too tight_

_I need help believing_

_You're with me tonight_

_My wildest dreamings_

_Could not forsee_

_Lying beside you_

_With you wanting me"_

_Elphaba in "As Long As You're Mine" from "Wicked"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

**TBC...**


	5. Holding You

**Longing to Hold You**

By Lady Callista

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters. Having quotes at the beginning and end of each part is kinda becoming a trademark for me, so I'm going to do it again, this time using quotes from musicals. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a huge musicals freak. I also don't own anything relating to any of the musicals I've quoted.

AN: See all info at the start of chapter 1.

**Oh, and I probably don't need this, as it seems everyone who reads my stories is just waiting for it, but…LIME WARNING! LEMON will follow within the week in the next chapter, but I'm not in the mood to write it now, and would rather put out two shorter parts than make you wait another 3-5 days for a longer part.**

* * *

_Last Time: _

_"I love you." She repeated again. "I know the dangers of being with you, but I'd rather risk them than face a life without you. Don't you see, I'm nothing without you." Her voice broke, and tears started to roll down her face again._

_Kenshin did the only thing he could do. _

_"I love you, too." He whispered as he slid his arms around her back and kissed her with all the love in his heart. _

* * *

Chapter 5: Holding You

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"To be happy, and forever,_

_You must see your wish come true._

_Don't be careful, don't be clever._

_When you see your wish, pursue._

_It's a dangerous endeavor,_

_But the only thing to do- "_

_"Ever After" from "Into the Woods"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

"I love you. I love you. I lov…" The words spun round and round in Kaoru's head, words it felt like she'd been waiting her entire life to hear. Then her brain, and her heart, stopped completely as he kissed her passionately.

When she'd kissed him a moment ago, it had been to prove a point, and because she had been upset. Her mind hadn't really registered it. And whereas his first kiss had been merely the slightest brush of lips, barely a second long, this was a real kiss. An even deeper kiss than the one she had initiated.

Kenshin felt her arms, which still rested on his shoulders, tense for an instant, then go practically boneless as her hands tangled in his hair.

Kenshin cupped her cheek in his hand, his other hand coming around the nape of her neck again to direct the kiss. As had happened a moment ago, he lost himself in the taste and feel of her, and only her gasp of shock as his mouth opened in hopes of deepening the kiss made him pull away.

Kaoru gasped for breath as he broke the kiss. His hand stayed on her neck, keeping her close, so she simply rested her forehead against his and tried to suck in enough air to make up for the minute when she'd had more important things on her mind than breathing.

"I'm sorry." Kenshin whispered after a moment of catching his breath.

"For what?"

Kenshin heard the wariness in her voice, and knew he was a dead man if he said again that he shouldn't have kissed her. Luckily, that wasn't what was on his mind.

"For making you cry." Kenshin whispered as his thumbs caressed her cheeks, brushing away the vestiges of her tears. "It's the second time I've done so, and I never want there to be a third time."

Kaoru's eyes widened, and the love beaming on her face made him feel like the luckiest man alive.

"I didn't mean to make you think I discounted your feelings. Or to make any claims as to their strength of validity or duration. I just couldn't bear it if something happened to you, and I know it's more likely to if you're with me." Kenshin's eyes closed partly through his last sentence, trying to hide the pain he felt even at the thought.

Kaoru saw his pain before he hid it. "And I couldn't bear it if you left me again."

Kenshin's hands had dropped from her face on his last remark, and now she reached down to take them in her own even as she continued. "Although now that I know what it feels like to kiss you, I'm not sure if I could bear you staying here if I knew you would never kiss me again."

Kenshin's eyes flew open, and he met her gaze with the full force of his violet eyes. The heat in his eyes almost took her breath away. "And having kissed you I could never go back to how things used to be. Now that I know how it feels to have you in my arms I couldn't stand seeing you every day without being able to touch you."

Even as he spoke, his actions echoed his words, for his thumbs were tracing circles on the insides of her palms.

Kaoru managed to speak, although the tingling feeling his actions sent up her arms made it hard for her to think. "You can touch me whenever you want. However you want."

Kenshin went perfectly still as a wave of desire crashed over him. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he tried to control his reaction.

Kaoru went still a moment after he did. She could have sworn she saw his eyes flash amber before they closed. "Did I say something wrong?"

Kenshin's reply was a deep chuckle, and when his eyes opened to meet hers again she saw that she had been correct. Although his eyes burned with something other than anger, something she'd never seen in him, they were indeed gold enough to make the sun seem dim.

"That depends on how you look at it." The deep baritone of Battousai answered.

Kaoru didn't know what he meant, yet was too hypnotized by his gaze to speak. Battousai's eyes had always fascinated her, as had the effortless charisma and grace he had, and to have all his attention directed at her made her heart stutter erratically. She licked her lips nervously, shocked when his eyes tracked the movement before snapping closed again.

"Kenshin, are you okay?" She asked as she tried to figure out what was going on.

Kenshin forced several deep breaths, thinking that he was scaring her, and managed to bring himself mostly under control. His voice was still husky when he spoke, "If you knew what I wanted, you would not say I could touch you however I wanted to."

Kaoru flushed bright red as she realized what he was saying, yet she also felt a flash of fire run through her veins. "How do you know that?" She managed to whisper.

His grip on her hands tightened, yet his voice was gentle as he spoke with the smile only she got to see, his eyes seeming to swirl between amber and amethyst. "Because I doubt you can even imagine what I'm thinking."

"I've dreamed of you touching me, kissing me." Kaoru offered with a smile of her own, fascinated by the colors shifting through his eyes.

He groaned as he leaned in to kiss her deeply, using the angle of the kiss to force her mouth open and sweep his tongue across her teeth.

He felt her gasp in surprise and started to pull himself away, only to find himself unable to do so.

Her hands stayed wound into his hair, keeping their faces together, and when her tongue hesitantly touched his he almost lost what was left of his mind.

Kenshin's arms swept around her, practically molding their bodies together, and the kiss grew in its intensity.

Kaoru's body shook at each new sensation that coursed through her. She was tightly held against his chest, in fact she could feel her breasts compressed as they pushed against the hard planes of his chest. His hands roamed over her back, keeping her close and sending new shocks screaming through her body each time his hands played against a previously untouched part of her.

The kiss was also growing more forceful by the moment, and even as Kaoru wondered how much more she could take before she simply exploded, her system suddenly kicked into an even higher gear as Kenshin's hands gripped her waist firmly and pulled her up and into his lap.

He was still kneeling, so when he lifted her into his lap she ended up kneeling over him, her legs split so that a knee rested at each of his hips. The bottom half of her kimono opened, spreading over them, and Kaoru went rigid with shock when one of his hands slid into the gap between the kimono's sides and began caressing a path up her thigh.

Kenshin's hand froze an instant after she went rigid, returning immediately to her waist as he broke the kiss. Panting, his head dropped to her shoulder, already yelling at himself for losing control.

He'd practically fallen on her like a raving beast. He'd controlled himself for so long, yet couldn't manage to do so now. He kept his arms tightly around her as he waited to hear her recriminations.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"Now who'd of ever thought that_

_We'd both be here tonight_

_And the world looks so much brighter_

_With you by my side_

_I know that something has changed"_

_"Start of Something New" from "High School Musical"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_**TBC…**_


	6. Kissing You

_**Longing to Hold You**_

_By Lady Callista_

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters. Having quotes at the beginning and end of each part is kinda becoming a trademark for me, so I'm going to do it again, this time using quotes from musicals. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a huge musicals freak. I also don't own anything relating to any of the musicals I've quoted.

AN: See all info at the start of chapter 1.

So, I have a job where I have some extra time on my hands, and I usually use that to write my fanfiction. But I just can't write a lemon at work….it's too weird…

Anyways, thanks for all your patience, here it is: LEMON WARNING! Not that I really have to warn anyone, as I swear one in three reviews are asking when I'm getting to this, but it's finally here.

* * *

Chapter 6: Kissing You

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_"Don't talk of stars, burning above; _

_If you're in love, Show me! _

_Tell me no dreams, filled with desire. _

_If you're on fire, Show me! _

_Eliza in "Show Me" from "My Fair Lady"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

Kaoru froze in shock as she felt his hand smooth up her bare thigh, she'd been so intent on kissing him she hadn't even realized her kimono had opened when he pulled her into his lap. It was the first skin other than her face or hands that he'd ever touched, but what made her freeze was the wave of molten hear that seemed to stream down from her stomach towards where he'd touched her.

It was almost frightening to have her skin so alive to his touch, to have sensations she'd never felt taking over. But as scary as it was, it was even more exciting and wonderful.

And so when his hands slid back to her waist and he broke the kiss, Kaoru refused to let him move away from her. She kept her arms around him tightly.

"I didn't mean to scare you." He murmured after a moment, his warm breath sending shivers down her spine as it caressed her neck. "I know you've never…and I don't want to push…"

"Scare me?" Kaoru looked at him incredulously. "I've never been afraid of you, ever." She caressed a hand over his scarred cheek, staring into eyes that were pure amber again. "Not even when your eyes look like this."

"My eyes…" He gasped, realizing at once what she had to mean. "But they haven't changed since sensei taught me complete mastery. And they only changed when I was angry."

"Well, I assure you they're amber, and I somehow doubt that you're angry." Kaoru grinned at him impishly. "But as I said, it doesn't scare me. I kinda like it."

Kenshin stared at her in disbelief. The greatest fighters he'd ever faced had been, if not scared, at least cautious of him when he was like this. And yet this slip of a girl looked at him with nothing but love. "You like it?" Disbelief showed in his voice.

"Well, you said it only happened when you were angry, but it didn't happen every time you were angry." Kaoru caressed her hands over his chest and watched his eyes brighten even more. "It only happened when it was something really important to you, when it was something that really mattered." Kaoru leaned back into him, pressing their chests together again so she could whisper in his ear, "I like that I'm that important. I like that you want me enough to lose control. No one's ever felt that way about me before."

Kenshin felt a shudder go through him at her simple words, at her trust in him. He held her against him tightly, then remembered what Yahiko had said earlier. Not giving himself time to think about how fast this was moving, he whispered in her ear, "Will you marry me?"

Kaoru pulled back, scooting off his lap until she knelt facing him. Tears streamed down her cheeks. "It takes you years to kiss me, and then a day later you propose marriage." Kaoru's voice was a mix between shock and disbelief.

"Will you marry me?" Kenshin repeated, looking deeply into her eyes as his smile turned almost cocky. "I think it will make us both feel better about what is about to happen."

Kaoru blushed bright red and looked down, then let out a giggle. "Yes, of course the answer's yes." She moved in to wrap her arms around him, but he gently held her away.

"Are you sure about this?" He asked gently.

She nodded and tried to kiss him again, but he still held her away. "If I hurt you, or do anything that makes your feel uncomfortable, or that you don't like, I need you to tell me." His eyes seemed to burn into hers. Although she couldn't know it, he was probably more nervous about making love than she was. It had been so long, and neither he nor Tomoe had really know what they were doing the few times they'd done it.

Kaoru nodded. "And you tell me how to do things you like." Her cheeks were bright red, her voice embarrassed, yet she forged on. "I've never…I mean….I don't know what to do. How to make you feel as good as you make me feel."

Kenshin chucked as he finally drew her back into his arms. "I don't know much more than you do." He said as he kissed her briefly, then drew back to whisper, "But we can learn together. We have the rest of our lives." Then he kissed her deeply.

Kaoru melted into his embrace, climbing back into his lap without encouragement, then breaking the kiss and giggling as one of her knees almost landed on a rock. "Maybe we should go back to the house first." She grinned as he shifted to try to make her more comfortable and found the rock with his foot.

"That could be a good idea." He grinned back, shifting her in his arms and standing with her cradled against his chest. Then he took off running.

Kaoru gasped and clung to him as he moved with god-like speed through the forest. It was like flying, she thought as everything blurred, and knew she'd be scared if she was with anyone else. But she was with him, so she was fine.

Resting her head against Kenshin's shoulder, she marveled at the feeling of his muscles shifting under her, marveled at how it felt like he'd be able to hold her forever. Then giggled as a thought struck her. Shifting her head, she started kissing him on the neck. And giggled again when his steps faltered before becoming smooth again. "Should I not?" She teased.

"You can touch me however you want to." He echoed the words she'd given him earlier. "Although now might not be the best time."

Giggling again, Kaoru settled back into his embrace, and a moment later he stopped moving. Kaoru noticed he'd stopped on the porch outside her bedroom and she shook her head. "No, your room. I want to be in your bed."

Still carrying her, Kenshin moved down the porch to his shoji, and she unwrapped an arm from his neck to reach out and slide it open. He set her gently on her feet inside the door, and moved to the closet to get out his bedding.

Kaoru stayed where he'd put her, nervous despite the fact that she still wanted to do this. Finally she simply knelt down and stared at her hands in her lap.

Kenshin set out the futon and bedding quickly, glancing over at her only once. Despite her earlier words, he knew she was scared. Not of him, but of what was about to happen. He only hoped he could make her forget her fears and enjoy herself.

When the bedding was laid out, he went and knelt down in front of her. "Kaoru…are you certain about this? We have the rest of our lives, we can move as slowly as you…"

"No, I want this." Kaoru breathed as she bowed to him. "I've waited for so long…"

Kenshin stood then, offering her his hands. She placed her hands in his and allowed him to help her up, then moved slowly into his embrace. "Can you kiss me again?" She whispered, "It makes every bone in my body feel like liquid."

He wrapped his arms around her, taking a moment to control himself until he could give her the gentleness she seemed to be asking for, then kissed her warmly on the mouth. Her hands slid up around his shoulders, one tangling in his hair while the other played over the back of his neck.

It was Kaoru who broke the kiss a moment later, turning her back to him to give him access to her obi. He reached out, hands a little unsteady, and began to untie the complex bow. "I'll never understand how you can tie this when you can't see it." He chuckled.

Kaoru turned her back enough for him to see her grin. "I tie it in the front, then twist it around."

Kenshin grinned back at her as he finished untying the bow, then took a few steps back and tugged gently on the one side of the obi. With a giggle she let him spin her around as he unwrapped the obi, and continued spinning when he was done until her back was to him. She felt his warmth against her back as his hands came to her shoulders and slipped her kimono off of them, his mouth finding her neck in the same instant.

Kaoru pulled her arms from the kimono, although the sashes tied around it kept it from slipping any lower than her waist. Even as she felt his mouth move from her neck to her shoulder his hands slid under the yards of material at her waist and started to feel for the knots in the sashes, although he seemed in no hurry to untie them as his hands kept wandering to completely unrelated areas.

Between his hands caressing over her hips and his lips ghosting over her neck and shoulders, Kaoru floated away on a wave of sensations, and before she knew it the last sash was untied and she felt her kimono drop to the floor. It was strange to stand fully nude in his embrace, especially since he was still fully clothed.

Kenshin sighed as her body was revealed to him, and started to slid his hands up from her hips to her waist. He traced the kanji of his name over her stomach and felt her breath hitch.

Lost in the sensations he was creating in her, Kaoru gasped when he traced his name over her stomach, right over where she could feel all that heat pooling. She wanted more. She wanted everything he could give her, everything they could give to each other. She felt his hands hesitate under her chest, and knew that even after all this he was still being a gentlemen, still giving her the chance to back out, or at least to set the pace. "Touch me, please." She whispered, all traces of nervousness or shyness gone for the moment.

Kenshin slid both hands up to cup her breasts and bit ever so lightly at the side of her neck at the same time. Then slid a hand back to her waist to take her weight as she went completely boneless. He almost missed her next whispered words as he tilted his head to look down the front of her body.

"I want to touch you." Kaoru whispered even as one of his hands continued to play with her breast, the other ghosting over her hip even as he helped her stay vertical. "I want to see you."

Kenshin chuckled as he turned her around, and his heart almost stopped as he looked at her fully. "You're so beautiful." He whispered as he rested his hands on the sides of her breasts, thumbs flicking out to tease her nipples into hardness. His blood heated even more as her head fell back and she gasped. "I love how you respond to my touch. I love knowing you have this much inside of you for me."

Kaoru managed to open her eyes and focus on him, even as his hands continued their unbelievable torture. "I want to touch you." She repeated.

Kenshin chuckled, and removed one of his hands from her irresistible body long enough to take one of her own hands and lead it to his chest, between the v-shape made by his maroon gi. "Then touch me." He whispered. "Remember I said you could touch me however you wanted."

Even as he continued playing with her body, Kaoru managed to work his gi out of his hakama and slid it down his arms, much as he had done with her kimono. Her first tentative explorations of the hard planes of his chest made him gasp, and when she carefully began playing with one of his nipples the way he was doing to her he almost lost his mind. Desire for her rose up like a hurricane, and he had to crush her to his chest in a searing kiss to keep himself from ripping his hakama off and taking her right there.

Kaoru felt even more heat pooling in her belly as their naked torsos melding together, and noticed curiously that the place between her legs was throbbing and becoming wet. Not breaking the kiss, she slid her torso away from his just enough to flick at his nipple again, and he deepened the kiss with a moan, almost as if he was trying to crawl inside of her.

They finally had to breath, and when they broke apart to do so Kaoru managed a teasing smirk. "I love how you respond to my touch." She echoed his words of a moment ago back to him. "Show me more. Show me how else you want to touch me."

Kenshin's reply was to guide her hands to the ties of his hakama, using the moment it took her to undo the unfamiliar knot to try and bring himself back under control. He stepped out of the hakama when she let them drop to the ground, standing before her in only his fundoshi.

Kaoru's nervousness came back at little bit at the sight of the single garment remaining between them, yet without prompting her hands reached for the knot her fingers had felt at the back of it, and with trembling hands she undid it and unwrapped it slowly, revealing his naked body to her eyes for the first time. She gasped as she saw a cock for the first time, and without thinking about it ran her hand lightly over him in fascination. Then, mortified, jerked her hand back when every muscle in his body suddenly tensed as it he was in pain.

Kenshin set his fingers over her lips as he saw them open, knowing she was about to apologize. "Shhh…it's okay. You just surprised me; it felt so good."

Sliding his fingers down her neck, her shoulder, her arm, he watched the goosebumps that he created even as he reached her hand and linked their fingers together. And slowly moved them towards the bed.

Kaoru followed him willingly, eyes roving over his body as he stood at the foot of the futon and drew her into his arms again to kiss her deeply. Every inch of their bodies touched, and Kaoru sighed into his mouth as she felt his hardness pressing up against her stomach. His hands raced over her body, leaving fiery trials in the wake of their passing, and Kaoru felt her knees collapse again when he separated their torsos enough for his hands to cup her breasts, molding the flesh slightly more roughly than before.

Kenshin caught her again, but instead of keeping her upright like he had before, he lowered her gently to the bed, laying her back and crawling over her, his weight supported on knees and hands as he kissed her again and again, his hands returning to their exploration of her body.

Kaoru gasped, her hands fisting in his hair when his mouth trailed down to her breast, and as he plied it gently with teeth and tongue she thought she might just lose her mind from the pleasure.

Maddened by his desire to taste and touch every part of her, to show her just how much he wanted her, Kenshin switched his mouth to her other breast even as one hand moved to the one he had just left, continuing to pinch and roll the nipple gently. He let his other hand slide down her stomach until with a single finger he touched her gently between the legs. She gave out a beautiful moan as her body unconsciously arched up against his hand, and he slid that finger inside her gently, amazed by how wet she was for him.

Long past the point of shyness, even Kenshin touching her there elicited no shame or nervousness, only seemed to quicken whatever was going on in her body. The only thing that scared her now was that it felt like she was going to explode. "Kenshin…" She managed to gasp. "What is…it feels like…"

Kenshin raised his mouth from the magic it was making on her breast enough to answer her, and she stared into eyes that were fiercely amber, yet somehow also burning with love. "It's okay. Just feel it. Just let go. I'm here."

Kenshin's mouth and hands returned to their ministrations, this time with two fingers inside of her and this thumb brushing rhythmically over her clit. He could feel how close she was, and was torn between making her come now or withdrawing so that the first time she came it was with him inside of her.

Yet just as he was about to withdraw he heard her throatily whisper, "Please," mindlessly craving what she did not know.

He drew her breast deeply into his mouth, biting down ever so gently, and increased the speed of his fingers. Her hips were thrusting up into his hand, and he felt her walls fluttering around his fingers. Then he flicked her clit one last time as he felt her explode.

"Kenshin…" Kaoru managed to gasp his name an instant before her world exploded in light as the feeling that had been pooling in her stomach spread out like liquid fire, scorching her body and soul. By the time she was aware of anything again, Kenshin was above her, and she could feel the tip of him between her legs. "That was amazing." She managed to say.

"This will hurt some." Kenshin whispered, raining kisses over her face as he spoke. "I don't know how much, I'm told it's different for each woman. But it's only the first time."

Kaoru looked up into his eyes, seeing the pain on his face at the thought of hurting her. "I know." Although her mother had died when she was too young to be told of such things, Megumi had told her a little about it before she'd left, at Kaoru's urging. "I trust you. I love you."

"I love you, koishii." Kenshin replied as he bent down to kiss her and slowly began to slid inside of her.

The sensations were amazing, Kaoru thought, so much better than just his fingers. He was moving slowly, so slowly, although she felt the tension in his body that spoke of what moving so slowly cost him. Then abruptly he stopped moving. Knowing instinctively that this must be where the pain came in, and knowing how much he didn't want to hurt her, Kaoru took a deep breath and used the leverage she had to arch up against him, drawing him fully inside of her and breaking the barrier herself. It hurt, it did, but more than that she felt an overwhelming sensation flow through her. They were fully joined. She was his, the way everyone had assumed she was for so long. She was finally his!

Kenshin froze as she pushed herself up against him, and kissed away the single tear that leaked from her eye. "I love you." He whispered as a feeling of completeness flowed over him. "Are you alright?"

Kaoru only nodded, all pain gone from her face as it filled with rapture. She arched up against him again, then threw back her head and moaned as he began to move within her. Slowly at first, letting her get used to the feeling, then more quickly as she saw his eyes grow an even deeper amber. The feelings built in her stomach again, and she cried out as her world exploded.

Kenshin thrust into her rapidly as she called out her completion, and managed to join her after only a few more thrusts. His body tensed as he spilled himself inside of her, and he collapsed on top of her, feeling more happy and relaxed than he ever had in his life.

He rolled off of her as soon as he could move, drawing her into his arms and pillowing her head on his chest. They were both still breathing hard, both still trembling.

"I never knew I could feel so much." Kaoru whispered after a moment, her arms wrapping tightly around him. "I never want to let you go."

Kenshin chuckled, trailing a hand up and down her back. "You'll never have to."

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

"_I'm under your spell_

_Nothing I can do, you just took my soul with you_

_You worked your charm so well_

_Finally I knew, everything I've dreamed was true_

_...You make me complete."_

_Tara in "Under Your Spell" from "BuffytVS: Once More With Feeling"_

_OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_**THE END**_


	7. Forever

**Longing to Hold You**

_By Lady Callista_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters. Having quotes at the beginning and end of each part is kinda becoming a trademark for me, so I'm going to do it again, this time using quotes from musicals. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a huge musicals freak. I also don't own anything relating to any of the musicals I've quoted.

AN: See all info at the start of chapter 1.

Epilogue: Forever

Hours later, after they had exhausted themselves, Kenshin and Kaoru lay quietly in each other's arms, each thinking their own thoughts as they drifted off to sleep.

Kaoru couldn't believe that it had finally happened, that her and Kenshin had finally made love, and that he had proposed marriage to her. She was getting married! All of her dreams were finally coming true, for she knew now that he would never leave her.

Kenshin's thoughts were taking a slightly darker turn as he held all he'd ever wanted in his gentle embrace. Every time his life started going this well, something always screwed it up. Okay, to be fair, usually he was the one who screwed it up for himself. He'd made mistakes that had caused the deaths of hundreds. He'd made a mistake that had caused the death of the first woman he loved.

As he drifted off to sleep, Kenshin prayed to any god that would still listen to a hitokiri, even a former one, that he wouldn't screw this up.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

_How do Kaoru and Kenshin make it to the alter? What unresolved issues do they have yet to face? Find out in my newest story… "Saving Forever."_

_Yes, the sequel to "Longing to Hold You" is finally here._

_Enjoy!_


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